I thought I was going to be a young mom. Not a teen mom, not the awkward grocery store stuff, like when I was 20 with my ex’s toddler- where people look at you weird, without a ring, and want to buy you some formula. But, a young mom. And, yeah, I think I’m an old soul, I have had my fair share of hard times and what not, I know some stuff. Like, the big stuff, like loss and hurting and insecurity and all that shit. I knew I could handle being a parent but I also knew that, “these days”, people have their children later in life than in years’ past, and have more life experience to rely on. But I thought, the stuff that you can’t possibly learn in 25 years, the stories that wrinkles tell, the things we worry about every day, that older people tell you are petty or trivial, I would figure that out, eventually, with my child. My daughter. If I were to read that out loud I would probably feel physically sick. This is a real thing for expectant mothers that miscarry, I can attest to it.
But, she is gone. Yes, I saw her heartbeat twice. The first time was really early on, and the screen literally looked like an egg yolk. The second time, I remember stopping and buying Saltines on the way to the doctor because I felt a little nauseous, which was unusual, I never felt sick in my pregnancy. Truly. I kind of told myself I was quote-unquote “worked up”, or anxious, for the ultrasound. I was talking to my belly in the car like “Ugh, I want some Chipotle and you’re making me eat Saltines but I ain’t mad atcha” But there I was, with my husband (ha), and clear as day, I saw her heart rate of 188, flickering on a screen. That was amazing. TRULY, magical. But magic is just magic, and as soon as the tech saw what she saw, she left the room, gave me some bad numbers and, then, against every odd that I thought was in my favor, she was gone. But I have already said that and that isn’t the point.
Here is the point.
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE A YOUNG MOM. I’m a big fan of improv. (Is that how you spell that? You know what I mean, being quick on your feet, coming up with something, whatever). I was totally up for the challenge. But there are still things I would have wanted to say to my mini from the get-go, and here is what I can think of.
(I don’t know if I can name my baby, now, or ever, that’s where I am in my stages of grief so…)
Baby _______,
First of all, so happy to meet you. I am sure you are perfect, I’m not talking about ANYONE else’s standards, I’m talking textbook perfect. Thank you for making my dreams come true. If you were older reading this and felt pressure, don’t, because your presence is what makes me feel whole. You have already done that for me.
Your grandma is your mom’s favorite, she is many things but mostly she is VERY wise. (To be fair, you come from a long line of strong women. Your great-grandma was many things as well but that’s another story for another time). Anyway, back to your grandma. She told me as many times as I can remember (and still, to this day) how she loves me and your Uncle more than anything in the entire world. I could always appreciate it ,and, as your dad says, “actions speak louder than words”, I could see it, but until I knew you were coming I didn’t know what those words meant. Love is the strongest force in the world. It is the most beautiful thing and, sometimes, it is the most painful. THAT’S FINE, I promise you it is better to feel something, and get stung, than to never feel anything. I would know.
I am very confident that you will have the charisma, soul and presence that I have. This is a gift, you will make people smile. People will want to be around you. Don’t give away so much of yourself that you lose anything, but don’t be weary of people’s motives. It is a blessing to have people who genuinely want to hear what you have to say. It is a blessing to make someone smile. People will tell you, someday, something you said to them at one point (that you probably won’t even remember), that took them out of a dark place. They will truly, in their soul, appreciate your words and what you said to them. Believe me, no one listens to have the stuff other people say, but you and I resonate. DO NOT TAKE THIS FOR GRANTED. But, if you’re like me, you won’t, because, contrary to anything the world has taught you, you love people.
On that note, there are people that aren’t so good. I can’t describe the personality we have other than a “light” that not everyone has. Please believe me, MOST PEOPLE love that light. Most. But, just like I don’t want you dating anyone who “lived in Jamaica before they bartended on Bourbon Street”, I don’t want you around ANYONE who wants to turn off, or even DIM, your light. There are people out there who don’t appreciate our unique rhythm, and you may never understand “Why”, because I certainly don’t. Our ease in situations will make them jealous. When people seek you out because they see the light from you, (whether you see it or not, because sometimes you won’t, and sometimes I don’t, but I promise you it’s there) there will always be someone else who doesn’t understand why people gravitate toward you. At first, they might seem like someone who “gets it”, or wants to “get it”, and maybe that IS true. Maybe they do want to appreciate your “light”, at first. But once they can’t grab that facet of you, and make it theirs, they will have resentment towards you. This is when you walk away.This is where the “hurt” comes in, when you are genuine, like your mother, and someone else isn’t like us. THAT’S OKAY. The world is a big place, I haven’t seen nearly enough of it, but there are so many people who will appreciate you, like they do me. All of my friends, that you call ‘Aunts’ and ‘Uncles’ (Because that’s what they are) are people I met in the little town I was born in. We are both SUPER, SUPER loved and this is the littlest portion of the world, honey. Whenever someone doesn’t get us, and I can’t lie and say that this won’t happen a few times..that is THEIR journey, their loss, and if you listened to me at all, you STILL have your light. What do they have?
This is just a letter from mom, keep that in mind, because your dad would roll his eyes at this. Spend your money. I don’t mean like on candy (OH MY GOD, YOU WILL NEVER EAT ANY OF THAT SOUR/STICKY NONSENSE) or cheap stuff you don’t need, and make sure your bills are paid. What I mean is, take your friends out to eat sometimes. If someone is broke and you can give them money to make their day a little better, do it. Make sure you give your spare change to ANY homeless (or not) person with a sign, or asking for money, and don’t judge them. It’s just money,there is plenty of it out there. Your mom doesn’t care too much about money, health is wealth, but I will make sure you have everything. And if I can’t do it……your grandma will make sure you have everything (LOL). That light you have, people need that sometimes. It’s usually our words but sometimes its the things we do for others, that are measurable.
Eww this is the ugly part. I am so happy to have a girl (!!!), but….”society” (but we are free spirits and don’t really care what “society” says, or means..) is going to tell you to look and act a certain way. You will look at friends and admire how beautiful they are, or thin they are, and it might make you feel bad about yourself. DON’T. First of all, your mom is a babe, and would never let you look “embarrassing”. More importantly, whoever you think is looking, is probably more screwed up than we are, and has their own issues and isn’t judging, or shouldn’t be. Especially when it comes to weight. Your mom has been unhealthily overweight and unhealthily thin. You know what? The happiest times in my life have nothing to do with food or with being thin. Some days you will be the best looking lady in the room, and some days you will not feel like it (and on those days, you are wrong, I know your genetics). Truly, one month you will be “thin” and the next you will be feeling overweight. One day, when you’re like me and something really big happens to you (good, I hope, but maybe bad), you will laugh out loud at the things you thought were important. WEIGHT IS ON THE TOP OF MY LIST.Time is so relative, nothing but love is permanent. Eat what you want, in moderation, and don’t sit around too much.(But we won’t, because we will be having dance parties and going cool places.Mama wiggles a lot and doesn’t like to stay in the same place too long. You’re welcome.)
SAY EVERYTHING. To me, to everyone. Do not be scared. I know you will, because you’re my kiddo, and that’s what we do. But I cannot tell you enough that you need to tell people that you love them, or just care that they exist. Don’t hold back, the truth is important (but I’m all about a good white lie.. but not to me, c’mon) and the saying is true, it will set you free. You are lucky to have a family that doesn’t judge. Other people might, and again, that’s on them. It doesn’t mean you need to be quieter. (Sometimes grandma tells me that there is a fine line between things that need to be said, and don’t, but I told you I’m young and we would figure that out when we had to).
Also.. LISTEN. Remember that gift we have for the right thing to say? Sometimes it gets in the way. We forget to turn off our own thoughts for a minute to hear someone else’s. They are probably not as funny as us, and their story most likely does not involve us, but I can guarantee you that I have learned something from every person I have ever (truly) met. But there is nothing better (or, truthfully, funnier or more ironic) than when I think about all of the things that have been said to me. My first kiss, first love, your great grandpa, some of the things your dad has said to me over the years… Trust me, you don’t want to miss those thoughts that someone had the courage to put into words. Plus, all the sad stuff like people die and you want to remember things, but I don’t want you to worry about all of that.
On a lighter note, PLEASE listen to me when I tell you to brush your teeth, Mama is a tooth person. Always give hugs with two arms, otherwise it’s a wasted hug. Study hard in school, I’m one smart lady but I’ve always been too wiggly to pay attention to one thing. (Still be wiggly, I won’t put you on meds). Spend some time with your Uncle Mike, I can’t stress this enough, he is sooooo different from us it will sometimes drive you nuts, but also so much the same. He loves you very much, and he can teach you a lot (like math, because your mother doesn’t waste time on that, but you need to for college). Speaking of family,(which is the most important, but don’t forget that our friends are our family),WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING YOUR PAPA MICK SAYS. He is just as wise and sweet and caring as we are, but he shows it differently. He would drop anything for me or you. Between him and I, we will show you the best music “of all time”. (Yeah, and your Uncle Alex will sing it to you..). But literally, your Papa will make you laugh so hard that you need to write things down to laugh at them later. Once you get to know him, you will know what I mean. I am here for you, I will probably annoy you because I worry a lot, but I’m not sorry.
“Bottom line” (as your Aunt Lynsy and I say to each other..)?
Don’t let anyone try to dim your fucking light.
Looooooveee Mumma
Your Bipolar Bear 